Missed the last couple of minutes of “Where METH Goes Violence and Destruction Follow!”, produced by the California Department of Justice, because the phone rang. The call tied me up through the end of the instructional video as well as Fro and Dustin standing on the roof smoking, so I went alone. A rather fortuitous occurrence, it would turn out, because I managed to catch the beginning of something truly bizarre. Looking down over Haight Street I observed a couple of older woman standing off on their own; one was clad in a blue muumuu and had a charged Jew-fro like King Buzzo before his hair turned gray. The other was silver-haired and dressed like a normal person, blue jeans and long-sleeved shirt. Silver-Hair was propped upright by mean of a crutch and, as I took note of them, began to tap Buzzo on the ass with it. Nothing strange there, just two older friends goofing off on a Sunday night after probably baking their brains in the sun at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass.
The crutch made a second appearance with much more apparent force than the first barrage, sparking audible outrage from King Buzzo. She began to yell at Silver-Hair while backing away but the crutch could not be stopped. A couple of expletives drifted to the rooftop and as I watched, confused, Buzzo made a grab for the mane of Silver-Hair who could not pry the muumuu from her despite repeated blows to the hindquarters. After a moment of wobbling and clumsy tugging Buzzo toppled Silver-Hair, then slowly descended with arthritic knees to sit atop Silver-Hair’s chest where they held hands tried to assert themselves. Still confused I scanned the rest of the street but no one was in view and I began to wonder if I would be obliged to run down three flights of stairs and break this up.
Out of nowhere a passing bicyclist slid to a halt. He began to yell at the two women who were still clasping one another but they were too engaged in this drunken display to heed his interjections. He dumped his bike in the street and ran over, ripping Buzzo from Silver-Hair’s inert form. The whole while muumuu was screaming obscenities at her adversary who must have been returning the favor because Buzzo became enraged and kicked Silver-Hair in the head before the bicyclist was able to force her across the sidewalk. Silver-Hair struggled to her feet using the crutch for support and began yelling, “Come back here! I’m calling the police! Come back here!” in an unmistakably male imitation of Sean Connery. King Buzzo continued her tirade with some choice “I hate you”‘s and general cursing while the passerby attempted to keep her from further incitement while simultaneously trying to keep Sean Connery from advancing with his deadly crutch. A curious crowd began to gather but no one seemed interested in helping prevent a further outbreak except for one skinny white guy who ran up to within ten feet of the continuing altercation before stopping, then making motions like he would actually engage the situation before pausing and appearing ready. Buzzo finally lurched her heavy frame into the nearby Noc Noc bar and Sean Connery charged the door but was held back by the bicyclist who had been trying to grab muumuu so this could all be worked out civilly. Crushed between their two masses the passerby lost control and both combatants disappeared inside. Looking around beseechingly the bicyclist threw his hands in the air and cried out, “I tired to stop them, ya’ll can’t say I didn’t try” before reclaiming his bicycle from the street, shaking his head.
I ditched the roof and quickly related this tale to Fro and Dustin. We stormed into my room and began to watch out the window for any developments. The street was quiet with neither King Buzzo or Sean Connery in sight but a police cruiser rolled up immediately. Connery’s threats had not been idle. The cop double-parked and disappeared in Noc Noc for a moment, eventually returning with Buzzo in tow. She had been given something to wipe her face with and was sobbing at the officer. A second squad car showed up and two uniforms got out to join them as well as some tipsy Ms. Busy-Body who had been inside the bar. There was a lot of standing around and one of the cops waved a flashlight in Buzzo’s face as she continued crying and wiping her face before the two newcomers left. The interview with Buzzo and the original cop continued on the sidewalk but there was no sign from Sean Connery. It finally dawned on Ms. Busy-Body that her help was not needed or even noticed and she went back inside. We decided to move to the roof.
We could hear King Buzzo’s ragged tears but were unable to decipher much of what was actually being reported. Using binoculars Fro attempted to read lips until the second cruiser reemerged and, passing the scene, posted a block up with the caution lights on. The view was obscured but we split our attention between the report from below and the developments down the street. As Sean Connery had still not made an appearance we began to theorize that he had fled the scene after something went down in Noc Noc, hobbling off to escape the fallout. Had he really managed to make it to the next block or was he sitting pretty in Toronado accepting free pints as he regaled the audience with tales of caning his wench?
King Buzzo ducked her head back into the bar while the cop stood outside, returning with what now appeared to be an icepack. After some more tear-stained dialogue which was now being actively ignored by a collection of Noc Noc patrons who had come outside to stand really close and smoke (included in or perhaps leading this pack was the jilted Ms. Busy-Body) the cop began to pull Buzzo away from the crowd.Together they started the long walk down the street towards the other patrol car which was still engaged in something mysterious. As they picked their way along the sidewalk a third black and white made the scene parking at the corner. They must have Sean Connery on the next block but they’re taking no chances; don’t underestimate a drunken, crutch-weilding Scotsman. The two new police joined Buzzo and the original cop and continued on out of view. We waited, watching with bated breath. Periodically Fro could catch something through the binoculars: “It looks like they’re walking back to the car, oh wait! Now they’re looking at the house.” or “It looks like all the cops are standing around smiling. Yep, that Chick Cop is definitely smiling about something.” or “It looks like they’re circling someone, or maybe they have someone up against the wall”. They have Sean Connery up against the wall? Trees and bay windows conspired to keep us from the truth.
When cops returning to the car was visually confirmed we knew the end was near. Very slowly King Buzzo reemerged from the distance wearing a giant red coat and carrying a couple bags. She walked alone, she walked tall and without shame. We were confused because Sean Connery was not in custody– maybe he was going to be dragged bound and gagged down the street for everyone to see? Buzzo crossed to our block and very calmly strode back to The Noc Noc and disappeared. Eventually the three remaining police appeared, two back to their car on the corner and the third lurching to his own looking as if he was in need of a toilet. No sign of Sean Connery, no resolution whatsoever. All the players drifted off in ones and twos and we were left sitting on the roof scratching our heads. When we were wrapping up the evening a couple hours later we saw Buzzo, now in red, standing in the doorway of the bar chewing someone’s ear off. She probably closed the place down.