A coworker is on the phone telling his friend Jerry it’s a bad idea to kill Paris Hilton and her husband. I didn’t even know she was married– I don’t think she actually is– but Jerry is enraged that she doesn’t wear his ring. He’s got a 10″ samurai sword and his friends want to drive Jerry down to wherever Paris Hilton lives so he can slay the Jezebel and boy toy.
My grandparents had samurai swords and I distinctly recall being told the shorter wakizashi is the suicide blade. These were not the particulars riding my co-worker’s mind. He was far more concerned telling Jerry that he would get caught and end up going to jail. He also didn’t think that these friends sounded like very good people.
Jerry had been calling my co-worker since before the days of Amoeba and somehow this fascinating relationship was born and persisted over the years. Every week Jerry calls to ask for advice, explain situations and basically be a good friend. He lives with his parents and has some obvious issues.
The next week Paris Hilton was no longer on the radar, we’ve moved on to Nicole Richie. It was mentioned that there was no way that his friends knew Lionel Richie, there was no way Jerry and his 10″ samurai sword could get close enough for the kill, and he was certain to be caught. I listened with rapt attention, marveling at how patient and ultimately caring my co-worker was with his weekly caller. There was never a condescending word and he never joined in with our snickering. Jerry obviously good use more friends like this.
Last week conversation began with Jerry professing his love for Lauren Conrad, who my co-worker didn’t know. It was explained that she’s on MTV’s The Hills, which is still a little removed from reality but at least she’s not slated to die. Death and dismemberment have given way to Jerry’s need to make space in his room. He has a friend who he would like to give his old Filipino porn movies to but seems unsure how to make this offering. There’s a backstory, thankfully filled in after the fact, that Jerry wanted to rent porn from his local rental place but everyone there knew his parents. He planned on wearing disguises, like dressing up as a doctor, to covertly rent his adult movies. There’s a major American opus in the works people, and I’m fortunate to be within earshot.